THE GOODBYE LETTER

As I was browsing the net the other day, looking for quick guides on how to get over a break up, I found an article about 14 days to get over a break up. It was an interesting read and it gave me an idea and the thrill of following up to its advice.

As I once said to a friend, "When I lost him, I lost everything. And when you lose everything in a game, there's nothing more for you to go but winning". So I'll try.

I know I will get through this but keeping tabs on how I'd gotten through it all, once I have, is a good practice of learning.

Anyway, as I read about the 14 Days, One of which tells me about creating a GOODBYE LETTER. One that he shouldn't see. One that he can't open. A letter to inspire myself in the future, by looking back on how I started with this moving on stage.

So the letter goes:

April 7, 2011 

Hi Ken,

Surprised to see me send you a letter? Don't be.

It has been 6 days from the day we broke up and I don't know if you feel any remorse, with the fact that you let me for another person, or you're doing fine. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself as I don't expect you to reply to this letter.

I'm writing you down a letter as a part of a therapy to get me out of this deep mess you've put me into. I will not edit my thoughts nor how I feel, raw in every way, so pardon the letter for the uncollected thoughts and grammar.


There's a lot of things you'll find in this letter. The things that I want you to know, the things that I kept for myself because I was in love with you, and the things that I would want to say. Jeesh! I don't know where to start, really. But before I pour all my emotions out, I would like you to know that I thank you for not resuming your position in my life because of pity. The least of my need is your pity. Not from you. Especially, not from you.

We started with the wrong foot, we both know that, and it's only natural that we parted with the same. Again, with you as the philander, and me as the wronged yet who realizes his mistakes later on. We proved people that they were right, that the relationship would only be a play in the end. It was quite a long and worth it play and I'm very thankful, without the sarcasm, you chose me to play the part.

You were one of the sweetest guy I have been with, yet I no longer regret the day I refused you, anymore. Your reaction is something that I took into consideration.

Let me start with the things that I considered when I declined your plead to reconcilliate with you when you asked me to, that night when we broke up...

You broke my trust in you, you broke my faith in you, you broke the respect that I have for you. Without the trust, faith and respect, I see uncertainty with how well will we be if we return together as partners.

You degraded me. You showed how insensitive you were to my feelings and you were negligent about how people will see and look at me after what you both did to me.

I felt betrayed. I felt lowly. I felt unloved. I felt like I was an option, I may have been the number one option but still is I was an option. I don't boast things that I do for one person, but I think it would only be right for me to ask you "What have I done to deserve it?", "Why to someone I see as a friend?". I used to justify your actions. I blamed myself for what happened.

Now, I see things in a different perspective.

You were weak when you entertained his calls and texts, even after knowing his ulterior motives. As weak as not hearing me and refusing my request when I asked for us to see each other and finalize or reconcile up the unsettled things. You were such a chicken when it comes to dealing with confrontation. You were weak when you blamed Blake for telling me what happened even if he was only telling me what you did in the first place. Weak when you did not say sorry for what you've done. Too weak to admit your mistakes. Weak to give me a closure. You are a coward.

That night that we broke up, you went to see him. I am so proud of you. You were able to consume the fact that you left someone shattered, an almost-insane partner in a pad where you both shared intimate dreams of your future together, for someone whom you knew for a small span of time (hopefully).

I wanted to commit suicide that night but my logic was better than my senses. I was too kind to you that I even re-evaluate my suicidal decision, but at least I gave myself a reason not to jump off from the building.

Ever wondered what made me re-think of my attempt? I don't want my family to take my problem for me. I don't want them to seek vengeance on you. I was thinking: you were a wonderful person to deal with something too dramatic as alike to that. Now I feel bad. I should have tried looking for another reason not to jump off from that building. I should have not made myself believe that you don't deserve a hell of drama.

I tried communicating with you but you were too busy dating someone else already and being with your so-called new found friends. Good that you are with them. I knew from there that they are not the kind of person I'd be befriending in the future.

Good friends or Good time friends? All along I thought they were my friends, until they took sides on an issue they were not really involved in. They didn't even ask you to see me as it was their friend's mistake after all. They didn't even care to ask what is my side. They also tolerated you, even on their friend's expense --- me. Their kind is not the ones that I would be glad to keep.

I didn't know on what count to feel let down, by someone who I thought loved me or by people whom i thought were my friends on who I can trust. I even doubted at my prejudice over people's character, if they were good or bad, or you, and your friends, were just simply not the people I thought you were.

Betrayal by the (most of the) Vanderwolves, most I think of as my friends. Betrayal by Ryker, him being my friend. Betrayal by you.

Revelations after revelations. Issues after Issues.

Did you really think I didn't know. You were calling him when you we're at the office. You answered the phone when I was asleep. You even made an alibi that you went out to put the trash out. Bullshit, thats all those were. You intentionally went outside. You don't normally carry your phone anywhere but you, then, did. That's why, for the last days of us being together, you kept on deleting your inbox and logs. It was intentional that you made a fool out of me.

You invested for someone even if you were with me already. Even when I done you no wrong (as much as I am aware of).

When we parted, it was too easy for you to decide not to see me again, even when I begged for it. You even went out for dates while I declined proposals. I had people who were at my beck and call if ever I feel the wantingness of being with someone but I chose not to as a sign of respect.

Me. The person who has been with you through thick and thin. The very person who stood up against his mom just to prove to them that you are not the kind of person that they were thinking of you were (Fact: you proved me wrong. My family were right about you when they said you will leave me at the first chance). That person who supported you to whichever road you would like to take and even find ways to pave roads that will lead you to where you want to go. The person who gave everything, literally and figuratively, for your hapiness and betterment. That is not how I expected you to thank me for everything that I have done for you. The worst part of it is that you don't even feel sorry about it.

You will, one day, miss that person whom always put a smile on his face even after a tiring day from work when he see you. Miss that person who gives you a hug you everytime possible. Whom doesn't want to miss the chance of saying I love you to you because he really do. Miss the care that only heteros usually get. I hope too that one night you will wake up and realize you will miss that person whom walked with you everytime, until you get a ride, even at the dead of the night. Long for that person who takes every moment an opportunity to make you feel special in, or even when not, a special day. Long for that person who puts you first than his family or even than himself.

Remember that person who hugs you when you're happy, sad or whenever he feels you need one. Remember that person who kisses you even with your morning breath. Remember him who defies all odds just to be with you and that person who held your hands when you needed it, and even when you don't. Remember that person who kisses you in the forehead if you have a problem and hugged you goodnight while telling you: everything will be alright and things will fall in their right places, in time. That all you need to do is to think that you have him, even in your up-est of your ups and down-est of your downs. Remember him who wants to look the second best because all he thinks about is that you will, and should always, be the best. Remember him who inverse nights and day just to have a single minute with you. Remember him who leaves early for work so that he can walk you on your way to work. Remember him who chooses to wake up early and go to work 3 hours earlier his shift just to look after you when you take the bus, and sleep, to work. Remember him who waited for you at the pavement of Ayala for 10 hours with the hope to apologize for his mistake. Remember he who was still relentless in loving you even if you did not care showing up when he was there waiting for you. Remember him who held your hand at the bus for more than hours because he knows you feel sad and uncertain of your futures. Remember him who ventured the unknown and the uncertain future just for you because he thinks of you better than he how he thinks of himself. Remember him that plans for his future, a future that you are always part of, and that you are the only constant factor on his plans whatever it may be. Remember me, as the me who loved you with all my very being.

I hope you forgive yourself, if ever, you will come to such realizations. I have forgiven you already because I still love you. I will always love you, as I once promised you before, but now that you left me and ignored my calls for us to be together again, you won't be on my priority as you now belong to the ranks of my other former partners. Special, but not quite. I will admit to you that a part of me still hopes for your return. Who knows, right?

I kept a quote, which I made up by myself, on my phone. I'm dying to post it as my facebook's status post for the day. I should have posted it that very day I composed it but I didn't since I am waiting for the right time since I don't want you to think that I am bitter to feed for it. I made the quote with all sincerity and I hope it hits your nerve one day.

"I realized that I was sad not because I lost someone but because I was betrayed. I realized that I cried not because you left me but because my efforts were not enough to make you stay and ask for fogiveness."

Please know that I miss you everytime I remember how you hug me and kiss me good night. Everytime you tell me "Eow po" to make me feel better when I'm down. Everytime I go back to those days that you used to cook for me, I will miss you. Everytime you tell me to get my things organize, organizing it while telling me. Everytime I wake up I will miss you, you are the best alarm in this world. Everytime I remember your whines, negativity, rants and temperamental surges, I know you don't mean it and please remember that because I will always miss it. I will miss those times that I held on to you because I know I can get through the day just realizing that I have you. I will miss those times we shared laughs, dinners, plans and fights. I miss every single memory of you.

I miss you, even now, every single second of every single hour, and I'm hurting.

I will get out of this soon, as you said, this is what you wanted me to do even if you know I don't really like to, but since you've asked who am I not to hear your one last request.

Tell me, anything, and I will.

Even with all the babbling and the rants, I hope that I am not too kind not to wish for your worse, I still want you to know that whatever you have done you are still a part of me that I just can't bring down. You have never heard me say anything bad, and I promise that you will never ever will hear it from me. I hope you do the same.

Anyway, this letter is already running longer than how I expected it to be.

I hope everything will turn itself right, not just for you, nor just me, but for the both of us.

The One Who Hoped,

   And Love You,

T | AKEN

Arrnell S. Gapusan

***Please do not let him know about this letter. I do not intend him to know this.***

Rainstorm fell before the darkness.