Responsibly irresponsible

I'm dreading for the weekend.

hindi ko talaga alam if I should come on Saturday's event.

Swimming. With the rest of my B Family.

Ex and the other guy would be there.

With us.

How insensitive,

But I lead a group in the family..

Should I attend to my responsibility as a lead, or should I not come since it would be very irresponsible for me if I have a "moment" on a night of fun, and spoil the party?

I mean, I don't wanna be a drama queen but I really don't know if I could take it all in. 5 minutes pa lang nga, 2 days ago, na nagpakita sya sa akin, gumunaw ang defenses ko. what more ang buong gabi?

I dont want to bring anyone din naman as a cover up the fact that I'm still as broken as how he left me. That would be immature.

I don't want anyone to carry the burden for me. I may be irresponsible, but I'm not THAT irresponsible.

Hay!

I long for the sun to shine once again...

I long for that day when my words are no longer for him...

im sleepy na..

HAY

you woke me to a dream

"Why do you have to scrape the already-healing wound you inflicted me?"

You visited me last night. Not just in my dream, where you usually plague me, but it felt like as if it was. I was asleep and you took advantage of that. You checked my phone, even sent messages---pretending as if you were me, and you checked the unit we both shared before we parted ways. You asked me who went to visit me and if we did the "deed". You even pointed at the condom packs resting peacefully on my bedside. I said it was Bojo's, not mine.

Why on earth would you that? Why do you need to show up and ask me questions that are now, already, irrelevant to you? What are your motives? Have you any respect for my privacy? Have you any respect for my right to decide if I want to see you?

You said hi, You said you were just checking on me. You gave me a big, tight hug--the one I needed when I was sick and alone. I asked you if you want to rest beside me in my bed. You said, "Okay. Only just for a minute". I let you hug me and kiss me on the cheek. You smelled differently from how you used to. You bid goodbye by scolding me with how the door was left ajar while I am in my sleep and how the restroom is unclean. You also added it was already too late.

I sent you a message after you left, I said "I really would like to know why did you come and visited me?", after a moment of waiting you replied, "I wasnt to see you and and see if you are okay. Apparently, you are. Right? Right?". Then I sent back, "I am okay, from that last time you turned me down".

If you were just checking on me if I am okay, why do you need to wake me up? Why can you not just people around, since afterall, we have the same circle of friends, no---I mean, acquaintances? Why do you need me to be aware of your presence? Why do you have to leave, even, before I could get back to my senses?

That brief moment I was with you rocked my world hard, for sure, and I knew that the part of you in me is still as special as how you left it, Did I hide it well? I know you did not notice that.

Questions. Questions. Questions.

Answers?

Me.No.Cry.

No heart, No Heartaches.

A friend told me that when you want to meet a goal as big as turning your world upside down, you have to make a drastic change.

Boo! He will be back! Very soon...

Me.No.Cry.

A blog of my own

I have always wanted to make a blog of my own. Where my words are masters and my thoughts are slaves which I'd be happy to share to everybody who reads it. Every time I try, I fail. Every time I write, I write of love.

Love?

Its something that I am not sure if I am good at. I know martyrdom, but is it love? I do not know. No one has ever defined love, most have felt it but am I one of them? I do not really know.

I have been to numerous relationships, both gender, and at the end of the day I am still asking myself if it was love that I have with them. I have doubts, love or an intimate companionship. Heartache due to love or was it due to betrayal.

The time I was with them, I think I was in love. Hey, I moved mountains for them. I tricked time just to be with them. I disregarded blood to make them feel they have me. My pay check blurred and it did not matter to me, even til now. I gave my happiness away for theirs. I was, sometimes I am still, willing to take a bullet for them. I longed for them. I miss them. I still feel them, in my lonely nights.

With all those said, and many more left unsaid, was it enough for me to say that I have been in love with them?

Or should I stop blogging about love until I experience it in the front row.

Hush.

Self Chat

Ano ba? Bakit ba hindi ka nagmomove on?

Sinusubukan ko naman eh.

Subukan mo pa!

Hirap na ako eh. Sobra.

Nasasaktan ka na nga hindi ka pa tumigil.

EH mahal ko pa nga eh.

Ang tanong, mahal ka pa kaya? Nagmumukha ka ng tanga!

Wala akong pakielam kung mag mukha akong tanga, mahal ko sya eh.

Pinagmukha ka na ngang tanga nung una, hanggang ngayon pa ba?

Pag nagmahal ka mararanasan mo din yan.

Tigilan mo na kasing mahalin sya.

Kala mo ba ganun kadali? Kala mo ba pagkasinabi mong hindi mo na sya mahal, yun na yun, mawawala na talaga agad agad?

Pwes ngayon pa lang simulan mo na! The earlier you start, the earlier you finish.

Sobra na ba talaga akong miserable?

OO! NAHIHIYA AKO PARA SAYO!

Lahat naman kinahihiya ako eh.

Alam mo bakit? Dahil nagbago ka na!

Ako pa ba ang nagbago?

Ganyan ka ba nya minahal? Minahal ka ba nya dahil mukha kang miserable?

Hindi.

Oh yun naman pala eh.

Anong gagawin ko?

Kelangan mo pa bang tanungin kung anong kailangan mong gawin?

Oo.

Ang gawin mo, ibalik mo yung dati mong sarili, yung RR na minahal nya. yung RR na malakas, matapang, makapangyarihan.

Eh pano kung hindi nya tanggapin?

Kawalan mo yun pag hindi nya tinanggap?

Hindi.

OO RR maging malakas ka. Kaya mo yan!

Lahat na lang sinasabi yan!

Dahil yan ang totoo.

Yeah, Make your mom proud.

Oo, Sige gagawin ko.

- a self-chat  created 04-13-2011

THE GOODBYE LETTER

As I was browsing the net the other day, looking for quick guides on how to get over a break up, I found an article about 14 days to get over a break up. It was an interesting read and it gave me an idea and the thrill of following up to its advice.

As I once said to a friend, "When I lost him, I lost everything. And when you lose everything in a game, there's nothing more for you to go but winning". So I'll try.

I know I will get through this but keeping tabs on how I'd gotten through it all, once I have, is a good practice of learning.

Anyway, as I read about the 14 Days, One of which tells me about creating a GOODBYE LETTER. One that he shouldn't see. One that he can't open. A letter to inspire myself in the future, by looking back on how I started with this moving on stage.

So the letter goes:

April 7, 2011 

Hi Ken,

Surprised to see me send you a letter? Don't be.

It has been 6 days from the day we broke up and I don't know if you feel any remorse, with the fact that you let me for another person, or you're doing fine. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself as I don't expect you to reply to this letter.

I'm writing you down a letter as a part of a therapy to get me out of this deep mess you've put me into. I will not edit my thoughts nor how I feel, raw in every way, so pardon the letter for the uncollected thoughts and grammar.


There's a lot of things you'll find in this letter. The things that I want you to know, the things that I kept for myself because I was in love with you, and the things that I would want to say. Jeesh! I don't know where to start, really. But before I pour all my emotions out, I would like you to know that I thank you for not resuming your position in my life because of pity. The least of my need is your pity. Not from you. Especially, not from you.

We started with the wrong foot, we both know that, and it's only natural that we parted with the same. Again, with you as the philander, and me as the wronged yet who realizes his mistakes later on. We proved people that they were right, that the relationship would only be a play in the end. It was quite a long and worth it play and I'm very thankful, without the sarcasm, you chose me to play the part.

You were one of the sweetest guy I have been with, yet I no longer regret the day I refused you, anymore. Your reaction is something that I took into consideration.

Let me start with the things that I considered when I declined your plead to reconcilliate with you when you asked me to, that night when we broke up...

You broke my trust in you, you broke my faith in you, you broke the respect that I have for you. Without the trust, faith and respect, I see uncertainty with how well will we be if we return together as partners.

You degraded me. You showed how insensitive you were to my feelings and you were negligent about how people will see and look at me after what you both did to me.

I felt betrayed. I felt lowly. I felt unloved. I felt like I was an option, I may have been the number one option but still is I was an option. I don't boast things that I do for one person, but I think it would only be right for me to ask you "What have I done to deserve it?", "Why to someone I see as a friend?". I used to justify your actions. I blamed myself for what happened.

Now, I see things in a different perspective.

You were weak when you entertained his calls and texts, even after knowing his ulterior motives. As weak as not hearing me and refusing my request when I asked for us to see each other and finalize or reconcile up the unsettled things. You were such a chicken when it comes to dealing with confrontation. You were weak when you blamed Blake for telling me what happened even if he was only telling me what you did in the first place. Weak when you did not say sorry for what you've done. Too weak to admit your mistakes. Weak to give me a closure. You are a coward.

That night that we broke up, you went to see him. I am so proud of you. You were able to consume the fact that you left someone shattered, an almost-insane partner in a pad where you both shared intimate dreams of your future together, for someone whom you knew for a small span of time (hopefully).

I wanted to commit suicide that night but my logic was better than my senses. I was too kind to you that I even re-evaluate my suicidal decision, but at least I gave myself a reason not to jump off from the building.

Ever wondered what made me re-think of my attempt? I don't want my family to take my problem for me. I don't want them to seek vengeance on you. I was thinking: you were a wonderful person to deal with something too dramatic as alike to that. Now I feel bad. I should have tried looking for another reason not to jump off from that building. I should have not made myself believe that you don't deserve a hell of drama.

I tried communicating with you but you were too busy dating someone else already and being with your so-called new found friends. Good that you are with them. I knew from there that they are not the kind of person I'd be befriending in the future.

Good friends or Good time friends? All along I thought they were my friends, until they took sides on an issue they were not really involved in. They didn't even ask you to see me as it was their friend's mistake after all. They didn't even care to ask what is my side. They also tolerated you, even on their friend's expense --- me. Their kind is not the ones that I would be glad to keep.

I didn't know on what count to feel let down, by someone who I thought loved me or by people whom i thought were my friends on who I can trust. I even doubted at my prejudice over people's character, if they were good or bad, or you, and your friends, were just simply not the people I thought you were.

Betrayal by the (most of the) Vanderwolves, most I think of as my friends. Betrayal by Ryker, him being my friend. Betrayal by you.

Revelations after revelations. Issues after Issues.

Did you really think I didn't know. You were calling him when you we're at the office. You answered the phone when I was asleep. You even made an alibi that you went out to put the trash out. Bullshit, thats all those were. You intentionally went outside. You don't normally carry your phone anywhere but you, then, did. That's why, for the last days of us being together, you kept on deleting your inbox and logs. It was intentional that you made a fool out of me.

You invested for someone even if you were with me already. Even when I done you no wrong (as much as I am aware of).

When we parted, it was too easy for you to decide not to see me again, even when I begged for it. You even went out for dates while I declined proposals. I had people who were at my beck and call if ever I feel the wantingness of being with someone but I chose not to as a sign of respect.

Me. The person who has been with you through thick and thin. The very person who stood up against his mom just to prove to them that you are not the kind of person that they were thinking of you were (Fact: you proved me wrong. My family were right about you when they said you will leave me at the first chance). That person who supported you to whichever road you would like to take and even find ways to pave roads that will lead you to where you want to go. The person who gave everything, literally and figuratively, for your hapiness and betterment. That is not how I expected you to thank me for everything that I have done for you. The worst part of it is that you don't even feel sorry about it.

You will, one day, miss that person whom always put a smile on his face even after a tiring day from work when he see you. Miss that person who gives you a hug you everytime possible. Whom doesn't want to miss the chance of saying I love you to you because he really do. Miss the care that only heteros usually get. I hope too that one night you will wake up and realize you will miss that person whom walked with you everytime, until you get a ride, even at the dead of the night. Long for that person who takes every moment an opportunity to make you feel special in, or even when not, a special day. Long for that person who puts you first than his family or even than himself.

Remember that person who hugs you when you're happy, sad or whenever he feels you need one. Remember that person who kisses you even with your morning breath. Remember him who defies all odds just to be with you and that person who held your hands when you needed it, and even when you don't. Remember that person who kisses you in the forehead if you have a problem and hugged you goodnight while telling you: everything will be alright and things will fall in their right places, in time. That all you need to do is to think that you have him, even in your up-est of your ups and down-est of your downs. Remember him who wants to look the second best because all he thinks about is that you will, and should always, be the best. Remember him who inverse nights and day just to have a single minute with you. Remember him who leaves early for work so that he can walk you on your way to work. Remember him who chooses to wake up early and go to work 3 hours earlier his shift just to look after you when you take the bus, and sleep, to work. Remember him who waited for you at the pavement of Ayala for 10 hours with the hope to apologize for his mistake. Remember he who was still relentless in loving you even if you did not care showing up when he was there waiting for you. Remember him who held your hand at the bus for more than hours because he knows you feel sad and uncertain of your futures. Remember him who ventured the unknown and the uncertain future just for you because he thinks of you better than he how he thinks of himself. Remember him that plans for his future, a future that you are always part of, and that you are the only constant factor on his plans whatever it may be. Remember me, as the me who loved you with all my very being.

I hope you forgive yourself, if ever, you will come to such realizations. I have forgiven you already because I still love you. I will always love you, as I once promised you before, but now that you left me and ignored my calls for us to be together again, you won't be on my priority as you now belong to the ranks of my other former partners. Special, but not quite. I will admit to you that a part of me still hopes for your return. Who knows, right?

I kept a quote, which I made up by myself, on my phone. I'm dying to post it as my facebook's status post for the day. I should have posted it that very day I composed it but I didn't since I am waiting for the right time since I don't want you to think that I am bitter to feed for it. I made the quote with all sincerity and I hope it hits your nerve one day.

"I realized that I was sad not because I lost someone but because I was betrayed. I realized that I cried not because you left me but because my efforts were not enough to make you stay and ask for fogiveness."

Please know that I miss you everytime I remember how you hug me and kiss me good night. Everytime you tell me "Eow po" to make me feel better when I'm down. Everytime I go back to those days that you used to cook for me, I will miss you. Everytime you tell me to get my things organize, organizing it while telling me. Everytime I wake up I will miss you, you are the best alarm in this world. Everytime I remember your whines, negativity, rants and temperamental surges, I know you don't mean it and please remember that because I will always miss it. I will miss those times that I held on to you because I know I can get through the day just realizing that I have you. I will miss those times we shared laughs, dinners, plans and fights. I miss every single memory of you.

I miss you, even now, every single second of every single hour, and I'm hurting.

I will get out of this soon, as you said, this is what you wanted me to do even if you know I don't really like to, but since you've asked who am I not to hear your one last request.

Tell me, anything, and I will.

Even with all the babbling and the rants, I hope that I am not too kind not to wish for your worse, I still want you to know that whatever you have done you are still a part of me that I just can't bring down. You have never heard me say anything bad, and I promise that you will never ever will hear it from me. I hope you do the same.

Anyway, this letter is already running longer than how I expected it to be.

I hope everything will turn itself right, not just for you, nor just me, but for the both of us.

The One Who Hoped,

   And Love You,

T | AKEN

Arrnell S. Gapusan

***Please do not let him know about this letter. I do not intend him to know this.***

Rainstorm fell before the darkness.

CLEAN UP. PRETEND. ACCEPT.

I came home today from work with my white sling bag full with the help of the 28-page How To Get Over a Break Up Quick Guide that was printed for me by my boss.

I felt like I'm up for something big, for a read of 28 pages and it was supposed to be quick, and it makes me feel challenged. This will make me busy and remind me what my goal is.

When you break up with somebody and you are left in a place where you both shared dreams, plans and your future with, what should you do?

My first piece of advise is to take a shower. A warm shower is good. (And whoever thought of inventing the Water Heater is a legend!) With warm water enveloping your shell, you will feel that you are human and at least ease the zombie-ness out of you for that time. Cleaning yourself up is a good way to start anew. Whilst taking the hot shower, cry yourself out. This way you won't see your tears, you won't feel sorry about yourself, you won't pity yourself and think that you are the worst man alive. The tears and the fact that you are somewhat being hugged (by the water) makes you feel alot better.

Then find every item inside your place that reminds you of him, throw it if you must, or atleast send it to a place (a drawer will be good) where you can't see it until you are ready. The least of what you will need is something to remind you of him.

When you clean your place out by removing items that remind you of your past, you busy yourself. And when you're done doing some house keeping, it will remind you that you made a progress on keeping him out of your life. When your room is also cluttered with whatnots, it will remind you that you are a mess and would depression little by little. So start doing this when you haven't so far.

Then take some rest until your friends reach you. Keep the airconditioning in maximum, so that at least you can pretend that the coldness inside you was caused by the room's temperature and not by loneliness.

Write things that you hate about him and things that will remind you that you are to forget him, then keep it in the bedside.

I always think that it is in the morning and at night when you are all alone and reality sinks in to you that you think about him. Whenever you have this note with you and you read it, you remember that you must forget him and that will make you feel better.

Write the most gruesome facts about him and don't leave any remorse doing so. This is about you. Not him. Just always remember that no one should see this letter. No matter how hard the break up is, no matter how difficult the situation was, you shouldn't speak ill of him or of anyone.

As they say, "When someone shows you unkindness, it doesn't mean that you should change your well-being and be unkind to them too." They have been a part of your past and all you need right now are positive things to get through, not that.

I'm moving on now. Right? I really do hope so...

It did not rain today... Thankfully!